Funnies

[Dave Smith]

Two old chaps sitting outside the care home. One turns to the other, "Slim, today I feel on top of the world- how about you?" Slim answers, "Afraid not, I feel just like a baby. No hair,no teeth & I think I've just wet myself"!

[MartinR]

Stolen from the St. John's Methodist Church, Whitley Bay, newsletter:

• Wife texts husband "Windows frozen, cannot open. What can I do to open? "Husband texts "Pour lukewarm water around edges then tap lightly with hammer" Wife texts " You've wrecked my laptop"
• Children’s prayer requests reveal a lot about their parents. A little girl told her mother, “We went to a confirmation service at the cathedral and I saw the bishop. Now I know what a crook looks like!”
• HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
• An advert appeared in a student newspaper of a university: “Sweet little old lady wishes to correspond with good-looking university student –especially a six-footer with brown eyes, answering to initials J.A.D.”It was signed: “his mother.”
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation.- from Earsdon Church Views Magazine

(sorry for the font size, not sure why it's gone this small.)

[grandarog]

Sorry Dave.

[Dave Smith]

When I married Ms Right, I didn't know her Christian name was Always!

[shoot999]

I timed myself the other day. It takes me 5 minutes to walk to the pub and  15 minutes to walk back.
The difference is staggering.

[MartinR]

(Nicked from the Mensa members' forum)
Last night my neighbour knocked on my door at 3 AM.

3 AM !!!Luckily I was already up practicing my bagpipes.

[Dave Smith]

When in my final year as an Apprentice at RAF Halton, on parade one day the "thickie" D.I. Corporal decided to inspect our rifles. Looking down the barrel of one, " What's this I see, Armstrong?". " It's corrosion Corporal". "Corrosion be buggered, it's rust"!  We all "fell about" laughing, for, as Senior Entry, no one could touch us!

[pete.mason]

That was  reputed to be the unit at Avebury Avenue Drill Hall Tonbridge when I was there with5 Queens

[MartinR]

Also tragic but with funny undertones was the tale from the 1978 firemen's strike.  A cat got stuck up a tree and the owner called for help.  A green goddess* duly arrived and the crew rescued the cat from the tree.  Thankful, the lady invited the squaddies in for a cup of tea.  Meanwhile the moggy had found a nice warm, sheltered spot to sleep, under said green goddess.  Refreshed the crew returned and backed out of the drive, over the top of the cat.
*Ancient emergency fire engine originally obtained for Civil Defence, and now kept for problems like this.

[pete.mason]

Tragic but with funny undertones, I'm not sure it was reported nationally or just here in Wales. Last month an ambulance was booked to take a dementia patient back home after a hospital stay. When she got home she told the ambulance crew that she didn't live there, in view of her condition she was ignored and taken in and put to bed at which point her "son" arrived and asked who was in his mothers bed........ I can't remember which health board it was but I think it was in the Cardiff/Merthyr area.

[Lyn L]

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs.... £2-00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs... £ 2-40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs... £2-15


These are The Pie Rates of the Caribbean .

[MartinR]

Or the diving instructor (not me, but I was there at the time) who meaning to enquire if a young lady was wanting to do her underwater naturalist certification asked "How do you feel about underwater naturist then?".

[pete.mason]

A true one- Whitbreads built a super brewery at Salmesbury near Preston. Beautifully landscaped entrance with pride of place a bronze hinds head (family crest) surrounded by shrubs. Like most schemes the money was there to create the shrubbery but not to maintain it, about a year on the hind's head was immersed in growth, a contract driver from Liverpool was heard to ask the gateman "Errr why is there a F~@:'., great kangaroo in them bushes?"

[Lyn L]

Just a tickle this morning.
Grandson and girlfriend on a train to London,
Me... " Where you going "
Predictive text....
Naturally Historical Museum 

[Alastair]

By the way, thank you for putting a funnies thread on. How about an archaeology one?
Alastair