The Kent History Forum
Members Only Area => General Discussion => Topic started by: stuartwaters on May 22, 2021, 07:57:24 PM
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There you go.....
A woman goes into a pet shop and sees three parrots for sale, one for £350, one for £250 and one for a tenner. She asks why one is only a tenner and the pet shop owner says "Oh, it used to live in a brothel". "I'll take it" she says.
So, the woman gets the parrot home and it says "Oh, nice new place, get plenty of custom here I think".
Some time later, the woman's daughters get home from college and the parrot says "Oh great, new girls".
A bit later on, the woman's husband gets home and the parrot says "Oh, hi Dave, you found the new spot then"
And so the fight started.......
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Thank you Stuart ;D
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There's a garden in England which is called The Poison Garden, it has every known poison in the world in it.
From another site.. underneath someone had written
" Is there a gift shop ?"
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I now live in "the sticks", & the local story is about a farmer who lived here many moons ago. He had a donkey, who did all the ploughing & other work that a horse might do. But, he also had a wife who nagged, morn., noon & night. One day the wife brought sandwiches for the farmer's lunch, fine but then the nagging started again. Suddenly, the donkey turned round & bang! kicked the wife in the head & instantly killed her. At the funeral, the Vicar couldn't help noticing that all the wives approached the farmer, said a few words & he would nod his head. Then all the men approached him, said a few words, to which he shook his head. Intrigued, the Vicar went over to the farmer & asked him, "what was all that was about- nodding & shaking?" "Well", he replied, "the wives all commented how peaceful my wife looked, so I agreed. But the husbands all wanted to know if the donkey was for sale?" Thanks from me as well, Stuart.
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There is of course the old car salesman's joke.........
Salesman : "How can I help you sir"?
Customer : "I want a car for my wife".
Salesman : "''Er, well let me have a look at her then" ;)
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Stopped at the traffic lights the other day alongside an AA van. Saw that the driver was crying and banging his head on the steering wheel. 'Hello', I thought. 'He's heading for a breakdown.'
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I wonder if people in Spain watch a programme called A place in the p+++ing rain !! 8)
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Lyn. They obviously don't film the other one, on "the plain", where the rain mostly falls in Spain!
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Woman in the U. S. posted snaps of herself, yacht, house, car - on the internet.
Man replied - send snaps of House, Yacht, Car !
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I had to catch an air taxi the other day, you know, the kind of two-engined, propeller driven light aircraft type. The plane was so small, the pilot gave the safety briefing looking over his shoulder. Once he had finished, one of my fellow passengers put their hand up and asked the pilot if the plane could fly on only one engine and if so, how far. The pilot replied "Yes, all the way to the crash site".
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Fred had decided to introduce his two children to eating venison, so had made it into burgers for the BBQ.
Little Jimmie and his slightly older sister Annie were served the burgers, along with his comment that they were from something that mummy often called daddy.
At which point Annie shouted to Jimmie “Don’t eat it, it’s an Arsehole”.
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Geordie went to see the new doctor, up from London, with a bad back. After examining Geordie the doctor told him: "there's nothing seriously wrong, time will heal it. Just try a little gentle walk every day". "Work!" said Geordie "Work, man I canna even wark".(Needs to be said in a Geordie accent)
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A gorilla walked into a pub and ordered a pint. The barman thought he would be a bit thick, so charged him £5 and pocketed the extra cash. A couple of days later the gorilla was back, and again the barman charged him £5 for a pint. At the weekend the gorilla returned for a third time, and again was fleeced for a fiver. The barman decided he ought to at least try to have a conversation with his customer. "We don't get many gorillas in this bar" he said. "I should think not when you charget £5 a pint" came the reply.
EDIT: Went to the pub last night and beer was £4.45 a pint (ow! Yorkshireman receives nasty shock in his most sensitive area). The joke worked better when beer was £1 a pint!
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An actual conversation back in 1973. Student: "Does this bus stop at Derby bus station?" Conductor: "I hope so, or there'll be a bloody big hole in the bus station wall!" Sarky b**ger.
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johnfilmer. I like it, but maybe that's my warped sense of humour? This one is in memory of Colin Penny( I knew I'd eventually remember his surname) who made us laugh so often on the KHF Mk.1. One bright morning two ancient Japanese golfers tee'd off & the first one made a very fine drive off into the distance. He turned to his partner and smugly said," there, did you see that magnificent drive my friend". The friend, rather begrudgingly replied," yes of course I saw it, I still have 20:20 eyesight I'll have you know". "Well then, where did it go?", asked the first golfer. Head hung in shame, the second golfer, "I've forgotten"!
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The seat of his trousers was shiny, not withstanding.
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By the way, thank you for putting a funnies thread on. How about an archaeology one?
Alastair
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Just a tickle this morning.
Grandson and girlfriend on a train to London,
Me... " Where you going "
Predictive text....
Naturally Historical Museum ;D
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A true one- Whitbreads built a super brewery at Salmesbury near Preston. Beautifully landscaped entrance with pride of place a bronze hinds head (family crest) surrounded by shrubs. Like most schemes the money was there to create the shrubbery but not to maintain it, about a year on the hind's head was immersed in growth, a contract driver from Liverpool was heard to ask the gateman "Errr why is there a F~@:'., great kangaroo in them bushes?"
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Or the diving instructor (not me, but I was there at the time) who meaning to enquire if a young lady was wanting to do her underwater naturalist certification asked "How do you feel about underwater naturist then?".
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs.... £2-00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs... £ 2-40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs... £2-15
These are The Pie Rates of the Caribbean .
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Tragic but with funny undertones, I'm not sure it was reported nationally or just here in Wales. Last month an ambulance was booked to take a dementia patient back home after a hospital stay. When she got home she told the ambulance crew that she didn't live there, in view of her condition she was ignored and taken in and put to bed at which point her "son" arrived and asked who was in his mothers bed........ I can't remember which health board it was but I think it was in the Cardiff/Merthyr area.
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Also tragic but with funny undertones was the tale from the 1978 firemen's strike. A cat got stuck up a tree and the owner called for help. A green goddess* duly arrived and the crew rescued the cat from the tree. Thankful, the lady invited the squaddies in for a cup of tea. Meanwhile the moggy had found a nice warm, sheltered spot to sleep, under said green goddess. Refreshed the crew returned and backed out of the drive, over the top of the cat.
*Ancient emergency fire engine originally obtained for Civil Defence, and now kept for problems like this.
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That was reputed to be the unit at Avebury Avenue Drill Hall Tonbridge when I was there with5 Queens
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When in my final year as an Apprentice at RAF Halton, on parade one day the "thickie" D.I. Corporal decided to inspect our rifles. Looking down the barrel of one, " What's this I see, Armstrong?". " It's corrosion Corporal". "Corrosion be buggered, it's rust"! We all "fell about" laughing, for, as Senior Entry, no one could touch us!
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(Nicked from the Mensa members' forum)
Last night my neighbour knocked on my door at 3 AM.
3 AM !!!Luckily I was already up practicing my bagpipes.
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I timed myself the other day. It takes me 5 minutes to walk to the pub and 15 minutes to walk back.
The difference is staggering.
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When I married Ms Right, I didn't know her Christian name was Always!
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Sorry Dave. :)
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Stolen from the St. John's Methodist Church, Whitley Bay, newsletter:
- Wife texts husband "Windows frozen, cannot open. What can I do to open? "Husband texts "Pour lukewarm water around edges then tap lightly with hammer" Wife texts " You've wrecked my laptop"
- Children’s prayer requests reveal a lot about their parents. A little girl told her mother, “We went to a confirmation service at the cathedral and I saw the bishop. Now I know what a crook looks like!”
- HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
- An advert appeared in a student newspaper of a university: “Sweet little old lady wishes to correspond with good-looking university student –especially a six-footer with brown eyes, answering to initials J.A.D.”It was signed: “his mother.”
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation.- from Earsdon Church Views Magazine
(sorry for the font size, not sure why it's gone this small.)
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Two old chaps sitting outside the care home. One turns to the other, "Slim, today I feel on top of the world- how about you?" Slim answers, "Afraid not, I feel just like a baby. No hair,no teeth & I think I've just wet myself"!
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Politicians and nappies should be changed regularly, and for the same reasons.
Mark Twain (or possibly not...)
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Further to Stuarts mention of "Trigger's broom", I loved that character. Particularly; Barman to Trigger, "why do you always call Rodney, Dave?" " Because I always wanted to call my brother, Dave." "So, what did you call your brother?" " I didn't have a brother but if I had, I'd have called him Dave". Barman to Trigger, " you're a mate of Dell, what are they going to call the baby?" "If it's a girl, Rachel- after Rachel & if it's a boy, Rodney- after Dave".
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Todays joke.
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Clowning Street contains the cream of our politicians. Rich, thick and full of clots. ::)
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My son was flunking out of college, so I told him, "you will marry the girl I choose"- he said "NO".
I said, she is the daughter of Bill Gates"- he said "OK"
I called Bill Gates and said," I want your daughter to marry my son"- he said "NO".
I told Bill Gates, "my son is the CEO of the World Bank"- he said "OK".
I called the President of the World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO- he said "NO".
I said, "my son is the son- in- law of Bill Gates"- he said "OK."
And that's how Politics works.
Thus began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of Government; and this practice continues to this day!
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That reminds me Dave of a truism told by the eccentric lawyer who tried to teach our bunch of engineering students company law.
He said that everyone rises to their level of incompetence. If you are good at your job you get promoted. There will come a time when you are not good enough and someone else will get promoted.
Therefore everyone ends up in job that they are not good enough to be promoted above.
My solution was to become self employed ::)
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That's the Peter Principle, see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle)
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Boris Johnson and the Government figures demonstrate the principle very well.
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Well I never knew that it had a classy name.
So our eccentric lawyer was pretty much up to date, as he was doing that course 1971-2, and the book was published in 1969.
This was a last lecture, nailed onto the crammed timetable at 5pm on a Thursday. He would always announce at the end, often late as he had so many anecdotes and asides, that he would be in the chair at the “Mucky Duck” until 7 or 7.30 if any one had any questions. This to about 50 drink hardened mechanical engineering students...
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And when I look back, Tony Blair's Govt. even more so.
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Good One. :)
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"If at first you don't succeed, sod it." Les Dawson
"If at first you don't succeed, remove all traces that you ever tried." Civil Service
Alastair
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I met a blonde in a bar recently, we were watching the 6 o'clock news & there was this chap threatening to jump off A high building. Suddenly he was gone- crump onto the road below. " Oh dear" said the blonde, " I didn't expect that". I said, "well I did because I saw it on the 5 o'clock news". The blonde replied, "Well, I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"!
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A version of Eric Morecambe’s always unfinished joke.
There were two old men sitting in deckchairs. One said to the other “Nice out isn’t it”.
To which the other replied “yes but put it away before someone sees you”.
I’ll get me coat...
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Some years ago, we had a family get together & my sister brought her 4 year old daughter, Emma. We all sat round for lunch & I couldn't help noticing that Emma was constantly watching me. This went on for a while, so I checked my mouth for any food bits, my tie for ditto, so then I asked her why she was staring at me. Others had also noticed, so everyone stopped to hear her answer. " I'm waiting to see you drink like a fish"!
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Sorry to break the GtP chain-again. (At least Bill might appreciate it?). My Gt. G'son came home from school in Perth & told his Father that there might be a note coming for him." Oh, why's that, I hope you haven't caused trouble". "Not really Dad but queuing for lunch, there was a bowl of apples with a notice saying, 'Take only one, God is watching'. So I took one & further on there was a bowl of cookies- with no notice! So I put my own in front,' Take as many as you like, God is watching the apples'."!
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Gentleman pouring himself another drink... Don’t think of it as my third large G&T, just think of it as a booster :)
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A mate of mine was sat in a queue for a petrol station yesterday and his engine conked out. He was out of fuel. At that moment, a bee landed on his steering wheel and said "Out of fuel?" (like they do).
"Yup" he replied. "Wait there a minute" said the bee and then "Open the cap on your fuel tank" and flew off.
He did this and a few minutes later, the bee came back and was followed by a whole swarm of it's mates. They all made their way through the filler pipe into his fuel tank and a few minutes later, they all flew out again. The bee returned to the steering wheel and said "Try turning it over now" (like they do).
My mate turned the key and hey presto! his engine sputtered into life. "What did you put in it?" my mate asked the bee.
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"BP".
I'll get me coat.
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What Causes Arthritis? A drunk man, unwashed & smelling of beer got on the NY Subway & sat down next to a priest. His tie was stained, he had lipstick on his face & collar, jacket needed mending & a 1/2 bottle of Scotch was sticking out of a torn pocket. He opened his newspaper & started reading. Suddenly he turned to the priest & asked, " What causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by living the low life. Prostitutes & loose women, drinking too much alcohol & not bathing enough". " Well, I'll be damned" said the drunk & carried on reading. After a while, the priest considering what he'd said was maybe too outspoken, said to the drunk, " I'm sorry if my reply was a bit harsh, how long have you had arthritis?" " Oh, I don't have it, but it says here that the Pope does"! Moral. Make sure you understand the question before giving your answer.
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Did you hear about the landlubber that learnt to tie knots?
- His barque was worse than his bight!
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Jack says he can communicate with vegetables
Jack and the Beans talk
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What do you call a French man when he's been killed by a Lion ?
Claude
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Caption from the Matt cartoon in the Telegraph today.
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you annoy the French for a lifetime.”
Stuart’s Napoleonic sailors would give a cheer!
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On a bright Summer's day, two English motorcyclists touring Wales, stopped for lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychuymdrobwillantysilliogogoch. When the waitress arrived, one said "before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Could you pronounce where we are very slowly?" The girl replied, "Burr.. gurr.. king".
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I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow the other day I rang her up and said "Did ya get my drift"
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I asked the baker why most of his cakes were 50p... and one was a £1 ?
" That's Madeira cake "
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Many years ago when aircraft cockpits were being tested for strength against bird strikes, Rolls Royce designed a special gun that would fire a chicken carcass at very high speed to simulate a bird strike. By all accounts it was very successful. So when the Americans were building their high speed trains, someone remembered this gun & they bought one from RR to test the effectiveness of the windscreen in case of a bird strike. All was set up & the gun fired. The bird went straight through the windscreen, smashing the console, through the seat back and embedded itself in the partition behind. Flabbergasted, the Americans immediately sent pictures of the mess to Rolls Royce. A short reply from Rolls, " defrost the chicken "!
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I like children but I wouldn't want to eat a whole one. :D
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Many years ago when aircraft cockpits were being tested for strength against bird strikes, Rolls Royce designed a special gun that would fire a chicken carcass at very high speed to simulate a bird strike. By all accounts it was very successful. So when the Americans were building their high speed trains, someone remembered this gun & they bought one from RR to test the effectiveness of the windscreen in case of a bird strike. All was set up & the gun fired. The bird went straight through the windscreen, smashing the console, through the seat back and embedded itself in the partition behind. Flabbergasted, the Americans immediately sent pictures of the mess to Rolls Royce. A short reply from Rolls, " defrost the chicken "!
Many years ago when I was a teenager and dinosaurs walked the earth, the father of a schoolmate of mine worked for what was then British Aerospace. The gun you mentioned was first developed so that Rolls Royce could test the resistance of the then under development Rolls Royce RB211 jet engine against bird strikes. The engine would be mounted on the test bed, run up to full power and chicken carcasses fired into it. Defrosted ones probably.
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Have you noticed how some adverts end with the command: "Keep away from children"? Good advice generally I suppose!
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
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A group of tourists were viewing all the crocodiles at a farm & one said to the owner, "they look pretty menacing".He replied, "Oh yes, they are & I'll give $1million to anyone who jumps in among them". Nobody moved, then suddenly one man jumped in & swam for his life, hotly pursued by all the crocs. He just about made it & stood shaking on the bank. The owner rushed across to lead him to safety & said, " that was very brave jumping in like that". His reply, "I didn't jump, I was pushed". His wife just smiled. Moral; behind every successful man, there a wife.
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A little old lady was at the bank & asked the teller for $10. I'm sorry but we only do $100 cash, you will have to use the ATM machine outside. Then I want to withdraw ALL my money from the bank, she said. He looked at her account & it was $300,000. Lady, I'm afraid that we don't have that much in cash for you to withdraw without an appointment. Then how much can I withdraw? Well $3,000 is the limit. Ok, I'll withdraw $3,000. So the teller counts out & hands her $3,000. Peeling off a $10 bill, she hands the rest back, would you now please deposit $2,990 for me! Moral, " Don't mess with elders, they've been around a long time & know the ropes"!
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As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."
But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.
Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"
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Although amusing, this phrase is just a bit too true sometimes:
Never ascribe to conspiracy that which can be explained by incompetence.
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Found this amusing comment on an electronics forum:As you well know, foolproof methods merely create more ingenious fools.
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An elderly couple were in church when the wife turned to her husband and whispered "I've done a long silent fart, what shall I do?". To which he replied "buy a new battery for your hearing aid"
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I found a t shirt online with the following motto on it…
My wife says that I have two faults
I don’t listen
And er something else
A bit too true so I won’t be buying one😎
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Also seen on a tee-shirt:
There are 10 sorts of people, those that understand binary and those that don't.
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A High 101 to that joke...
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A friend of mine has sent me a caution to be careful on the roads on the run up to Xmas.
It seems many men will have a drink, and let their wife drive... :o
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Jokes from the Reader's Digest: https://www.rd.com/list/funniest-jokes-of-all-time/ (https://www.rd.com/list/funniest-jokes-of-all-time/)
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Stolen from the BBC website:
Don't worry about the freezing conditions, sit in the corner, its always 90degrees 8)
I think a Basil Brush "Boom Boom" would be appropriate
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A twist on an old question:
If a man falls over in a forest and his wife isn't there to see it is he still wrong?.