Author Topic: Funnies  (Read 33434 times)

Offline Alastair

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #16 on: May 28, 2021, 12:15:21 PM »
The seat of his trousers was shiny, not withstanding.

Offline Dave Smith

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2021, 10:42:27 AM »
johnfilmer. I like it, but maybe that's my warped sense of humour? This one is in memory of Colin Penny( I knew I'd eventually remember his surname) who made us laugh so often on the KHF Mk.1.  One bright morning two ancient Japanese golfers tee'd off & the first one made a very fine drive off into the distance. He turned to his partner and smugly said," there, did you see that magnificent drive my friend". The friend, rather begrudgingly replied," yes of course I saw it, I still have 20:20 eyesight I'll have you know". "Well then, where did it go?", asked the first golfer. Head hung in shame, the second golfer, "I've forgotten"!   

Offline MartinR

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #14 on: May 26, 2021, 11:08:04 PM »
An actual conversation back in 1973.  Student: "Does this bus stop at Derby bus station?"  Conductor: "I hope so, or there'll be a bloody big hole in the bus station wall!"  Sarky b**ger.

Offline MartinR

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #13 on: May 26, 2021, 11:05:04 PM »
A gorilla walked into a pub and ordered a pint.  The barman thought he would be a bit thick, so charged him £5 and pocketed the extra cash.  A couple of days later the gorilla was back, and again the barman charged him £5 for a pint.  At the weekend the gorilla returned for a third time, and again was fleeced for a fiver.  The barman decided he ought to at least try to have a conversation with his customer.  "We don't get many gorillas in this bar" he said.  "I should think not when you charget £5 a pint" came the reply.
EDIT: Went to the pub last night and beer was £4.45 a pint (ow! Yorkshireman receives nasty shock in his most sensitive area).  The joke worked better when beer was £1 a pint!

Offline MartinR

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #12 on: May 26, 2021, 10:55:50 PM »
Geordie went to see the new doctor, up from London, with a bad back.  After examining Geordie the doctor told him: "there's nothing seriously wrong, time will heal it.  Just try a little gentle walk every day".  "Work!" said Geordie "Work, man I canna even wark".(Needs to be said in a Geordie accent)



Offline johnfilmer

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #11 on: May 26, 2021, 09:22:03 PM »
Fred had decided to introduce his two children to eating venison, so had made it into burgers for the BBQ.


Little Jimmie and his slightly older sister Annie were served the burgers, along with his comment that they were from something that mummy often called daddy.


At which point Annie shouted to Jimmie “Don’t eat it, it’s an Arsehole”.
Illegitimus nil carborundum

Offline stuartwaters

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2021, 08:29:59 PM »
I had to catch an air taxi the other day, you know, the kind of two-engined, propeller driven light aircraft type. The plane was so small, the pilot gave the safety briefing looking over his shoulder. Once he had finished, one of my fellow passengers put their hand up and asked the pilot if the plane could fly on only one engine and if so, how far. The pilot replied "Yes, all the way to the crash site".
"I did not say the French would not come, I said they will not come by sea" - Admiral Sir John Jervis, 1st Earl St Vincent.

Offline castle261

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #9 on: May 25, 2021, 05:32:28 PM »
Woman in the U. S. posted snaps of herself, yacht, house, car - on the internet.
Man replied - send snaps of House, Yacht, Car !

Offline Dave Smith

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2021, 10:51:05 AM »
Lyn. They obviously don't film the other one, on "the plain", where the rain mostly falls in Spain!

Offline Lyn L

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2021, 01:34:50 PM »
I wonder if people in Spain watch a programme called A place in the p+++ing rain !!  8)

Offline shoot999

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2021, 05:17:23 PM »
Stopped at the traffic lights the other day alongside an AA van. Saw that the driver was crying and banging his head on the steering wheel. 'Hello', I thought. 'He's heading for a breakdown.'

Offline Invicta Alec

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2021, 02:43:57 PM »
There is of course the old car salesman's joke.........


Salesman : "How can I help you sir"?


Customer : "I want a car for my wife".


Salesman : "''Er, well let me have a look at her then"  ;)

Offline Dave Smith

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2021, 10:59:54 AM »
I now live in "the sticks", & the local story is about a farmer who lived here many moons ago. He had a donkey, who did all the ploughing & other work that a horse might do. But, he also had a wife who nagged, morn., noon & night. One day the wife brought sandwiches for the farmer's lunch, fine but then the nagging started again. Suddenly, the donkey turned round & bang! kicked the wife in the head & instantly killed her. At the funeral, the Vicar couldn't help noticing that all the wives approached the farmer, said a few words & he would nod his head. Then all the men approached him, said a few words, to which he shook his head. Intrigued, the Vicar went over to the farmer & asked him, "what was all that was about- nodding & shaking?" "Well", he replied, "the wives all commented how peaceful my wife looked, so I agreed. But the husbands all wanted to know if the donkey was for sale?"                         Thanks from me as well, Stuart.

Offline Lyn L

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2021, 10:13:01 PM »
There's a garden in England which is called The Poison Garden, it has every  known poison in the world  in it.


From another site.. underneath someone had written


" Is there a gift shop ?"

Offline Lyn L

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2021, 10:09:58 PM »
Thank you Stuart  ;D