Funnies

[Dave Smith]

Some years ago, we had a family get together & my sister brought her 4 year old daughter, Emma. We all sat round for lunch & I couldn't help noticing that Emma was constantly watching me. This went on for a while, so I checked my mouth for any food bits, my tie for ditto, so then I asked her why she was staring at me. Others had also noticed, so everyone stopped to hear her answer. " I'm waiting to see you drink like a fish"!

[johnfilmer]

A version of Eric Morecambe’s always unfinished joke.


There were two old men sitting in deckchairs. One said to the other “Nice out isn’t it”.


To which the other replied “yes but put it away before someone sees you”.


I’ll get me coat...

[Dave Smith]

I met a blonde in a bar recently, we were watching the 6 o'clock news & there was this chap threatening to jump off A high building. Suddenly he was gone- crump onto the road below. " Oh dear" said the blonde, " I didn't expect that". I said, "well I did because I saw it on the 5 o'clock news". The blonde replied, "Well, I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"!

[Alastair]

"If at first you don't succeed, sod it."  Les Dawson


"If at first you don't succeed, remove all traces that you ever tried."  Civil Service


Alastair

[grandarog]

Good One.

[Dave Smith]

And when I look back, Tony Blair's Govt. even more so.

[johnfilmer]

Well I never knew that it had a classy name.


So our eccentric lawyer was pretty much up to date, as he was doing that course 1971-2, and the book was published in 1969.


This was a last lecture, nailed onto the crammed timetable at 5pm on a Thursday. He would always announce at the end, often late as he had so many anecdotes and asides, that he would be in the chair at the “Mucky Duck” until 7 or 7.30 if any one had any questions. This to about 50 drink hardened mechanical engineering students...

[grandarog]

Boris Johnson and the Government figures demonstrate the principle very well.

[MartinR]

That's the Peter Principle, see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle

[johnfilmer]

That reminds me Dave of a truism told by the eccentric lawyer who tried to teach our bunch of engineering students company law.


He said that everyone rises to their level of incompetence. If you are good at your job you get promoted. There will come a time when you are not good enough and someone else will get promoted.


Therefore everyone ends up in job that they are not good enough to be promoted above.


My solution was to become self employed 

[Dave Smith]

My son was flunking out of college, so I told him, "you will marry the girl I choose"- he said "NO".
I said, she is the daughter of Bill Gates"- he said "OK"
I called Bill Gates and said," I want your daughter to marry my son"- he said "NO".
I told Bill Gates, "my son is the CEO of the World Bank"- he said "OK".
I called the President of the World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO- he said "NO".
I said, "my son is the son- in- law of Bill Gates"- he said "OK."
And that's how Politics works.
Thus began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of Government; and this practice continues to this day!

[johnfilmer]

Clowning Street contains the cream of our politicians. Rich, thick and full of clots.

[grandarog]

Todays joke.

[Dave Smith]

Further to Stuarts mention of "Trigger's broom", I loved that character. Particularly; Barman to Trigger, "why do you always call Rodney, Dave?" " Because I always wanted to call my brother, Dave." "So, what did you call your brother?" " I didn't have a brother but if I had, I'd have called him Dave".  Barman to Trigger, " you're a mate of Dell, what are they going to call the baby?" "If it's a girl, Rachel- after Rachel & if it's a boy, Rodney- after Dave".

[johnfilmer]

Politicians and nappies should be changed regularly, and for the same reasons.
Mark Twain (or possibly not...)