Funnies

[MartinR]

Have you noticed how some adverts end with the command: "Keep away from children"?  Good advice generally I suppose!

[stuartwaters]

Many years ago when aircraft cockpits were being tested for strength against bird strikes, Rolls Royce designed a special gun that would fire a chicken carcass at very high speed to simulate a bird strike. By all accounts it was very successful. So when the Americans were building their high speed trains, someone remembered this gun & they bought one from RR to test the effectiveness of the windscreen in case of a bird strike. All was set up & the gun fired. The bird went straight through the windscreen, smashing the console, through the seat back and embedded itself in the partition behind. Flabbergasted, the Americans immediately sent pictures of the mess to Rolls Royce. A short reply from Rolls, " defrost the chicken "!

Many years ago when I was a teenager and dinosaurs walked the earth, the father of a schoolmate of mine worked for what was then British Aerospace. The gun you mentioned was first developed so that Rolls Royce could test the resistance of the then under development Rolls Royce RB211 jet engine against bird strikes. The engine would be mounted on the test bed, run up to full power and chicken carcasses fired into it. Defrosted ones probably.

[Dave Smith]

I like children but I wouldn't want to eat a whole one.

[Dave Smith]

Many years ago when aircraft cockpits were being tested for strength against bird strikes, Rolls Royce designed a special gun that would fire a chicken carcass at very high speed to simulate a bird strike. By all accounts it was very successful. So when the Americans were building their high speed trains, someone remembered this gun & they bought one from RR to test the effectiveness of the windscreen in case of a bird strike. All was set up & the gun fired. The bird went straight through the windscreen, smashing the console, through the seat back and embedded itself in the partition behind. Flabbergasted, the Americans immediately sent pictures of the mess to Rolls Royce. A short reply from Rolls, " defrost the chicken "!

[Lyn L]

I asked the baker why most of his cakes were 50p... and one was a £1 ?


 " That's Madeira cake "

[smiler]

   I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow the other day I rang her up and said "Did ya get my drift"

[Dave Smith]

On a bright Summer's day, two English motorcyclists touring Wales, stopped for lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychuymdrobwillantysilliogogoch. When the waitress arrived, one said "before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Could you pronounce where we are very slowly?" The girl replied, "Burr.. gurr.. king".

[johnfilmer]

Caption from the Matt cartoon in the Telegraph today.


“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you annoy the French for a lifetime.”


Stuart’s Napoleonic sailors would give a cheer!

[Lyn L]

What do you call a French man when he's been killed by a Lion ?










Claude

[Lyn L]

Jack says he can communicate with vegetables


Jack and the Beans talk

[MartinR]

Did you hear about the landlubber that learnt to tie knots?

- His barque was worse than his bight!

[Dave Smith]

What Causes Arthritis?      A drunk man, unwashed & smelling of beer got on the NY Subway & sat down next to a priest. His tie was stained, he had lipstick on his face & collar, jacket needed mending & a 1/2 bottle of Scotch was sticking out of a torn pocket. He opened his newspaper & started reading. Suddenly he turned to the priest & asked, " What causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by living the low life. Prostitutes & loose women, drinking too much alcohol & not bathing enough". " Well, I'll be damned" said the drunk & carried on reading. After a while, the priest considering what he'd said was maybe too outspoken, said to the drunk, " I'm sorry if my reply was a bit harsh, how long have you had arthritis?" " Oh, I don't have it, but it says here that the Pope does"!    Moral. Make sure you understand the question before giving your answer.   

[stuartwaters]

A mate of mine was sat in a queue for a petrol station yesterday and his engine conked out. He was out of fuel. At that moment, a bee landed on his steering wheel and said "Out of fuel?" (like they do).


"Yup" he replied. "Wait there a minute" said the bee and then "Open the cap on your fuel tank" and flew off.


He did this and a few minutes later, the bee came back and was followed by a whole swarm of it's mates. They all made their way through the filler pipe into his fuel tank and a few minutes later, they all flew out again. The bee returned to the steering wheel and said "Try turning it over now" (like they do).


My mate turned the key and hey presto! his engine sputtered into life. "What did you put in it?" my mate asked the bee.
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"BP".


I'll get me coat.

[johnfilmer]

Gentleman pouring himself another drink... Don’t think of it as my third large G&T, just think of it as a booster

[Dave Smith]

Sorry to break the GtP chain-again. (At least Bill might appreciate it?). My Gt. G'son came home from school in Perth & told his Father that there might be a note coming for him." Oh, why's that, I hope you haven't caused trouble". "Not really Dad but queuing for lunch, there was a bowl of apples with a notice saying, 'Take only one, God is watching'. So I took one & further on there was a bowl of cookies- with no notice! So I put my own in front,' Take as many as you like, God is watching the apples'."!