Funnies

[Dave Smith]

johnfilmer. I like it, but maybe that's my warped sense of humour? This one is in memory of Colin Penny( I knew I'd eventually remember his surname) who made us laugh so often on the KHF Mk.1.  One bright morning two ancient Japanese golfers tee'd off & the first one made a very fine drive off into the distance. He turned to his partner and smugly said," there, did you see that magnificent drive my friend". The friend, rather begrudgingly replied," yes of course I saw it, I still have 20:20 eyesight I'll have you know". "Well then, where did it go?", asked the first golfer. Head hung in shame, the second golfer, "I've forgotten"!   

[MartinR]

An actual conversation back in 1973.  Student: "Does this bus stop at Derby bus station?"  Conductor: "I hope so, or there'll be a bloody big hole in the bus station wall!"  Sarky b**ger.

[MartinR]

A gorilla walked into a pub and ordered a pint.  The barman thought he would be a bit thick, so charged him £5 and pocketed the extra cash.  A couple of days later the gorilla was back, and again the barman charged him £5 for a pint.  At the weekend the gorilla returned for a third time, and again was fleeced for a fiver.  The barman decided he ought to at least try to have a conversation with his customer.  "We don't get many gorillas in this bar" he said.  "I should think not when you charget £5 a pint" came the reply.
EDIT: Went to the pub last night and beer was £4.45 a pint (ow! Yorkshireman receives nasty shock in his most sensitive area).  The joke worked better when beer was £1 a pint!

[MartinR]

Geordie went to see the new doctor, up from London, with a bad back.  After examining Geordie the doctor told him: "there's nothing seriously wrong, time will heal it.  Just try a little gentle walk every day".  "Work!" said Geordie "Work, man I canna even wark".(Needs to be said in a Geordie accent)

[johnfilmer]

Fred had decided to introduce his two children to eating venison, so had made it into burgers for the BBQ.


Little Jimmie and his slightly older sister Annie were served the burgers, along with his comment that they were from something that mummy often called daddy.


At which point Annie shouted to Jimmie “Don’t eat it, it’s an Arsehole”.

[stuartwaters]

I had to catch an air taxi the other day, you know, the kind of two-engined, propeller driven light aircraft type. The plane was so small, the pilot gave the safety briefing looking over his shoulder. Once he had finished, one of my fellow passengers put their hand up and asked the pilot if the plane could fly on only one engine and if so, how far. The pilot replied "Yes, all the way to the crash site".

[castle261]

Woman in the U. S. posted snaps of herself, yacht, house, car - on the internet.
Man replied - send snaps of House, Yacht, Car !

[Dave Smith]

Lyn. They obviously don't film the other one, on "the plain", where the rain mostly falls in Spain!

[Lyn L]

I wonder if people in Spain watch a programme called A place in the p+++ing rain !! 

[shoot999]

Stopped at the traffic lights the other day alongside an AA van. Saw that the driver was crying and banging his head on the steering wheel. 'Hello', I thought. 'He's heading for a breakdown.'

[Invicta Alec]

There is of course the old car salesman's joke.........


Salesman : "How can I help you sir"?


Customer : "I want a car for my wife".


Salesman : "''Er, well let me have a look at her then" 

[Dave Smith]

I now live in "the sticks", & the local story is about a farmer who lived here many moons ago. He had a donkey, who did all the ploughing & other work that a horse might do. But, he also had a wife who nagged, morn., noon & night. One day the wife brought sandwiches for the farmer's lunch, fine but then the nagging started again. Suddenly, the donkey turned round & bang! kicked the wife in the head & instantly killed her. At the funeral, the Vicar couldn't help noticing that all the wives approached the farmer, said a few words & he would nod his head. Then all the men approached him, said a few words, to which he shook his head. Intrigued, the Vicar went over to the farmer & asked him, "what was all that was about- nodding & shaking?" "Well", he replied, "the wives all commented how peaceful my wife looked, so I agreed. But the husbands all wanted to know if the donkey was for sale?"                         Thanks from me as well, Stuart.

[Lyn L]

There's a garden in England which is called The Poison Garden, it has every  known poison in the world  in it.


From another site.. underneath someone had written


" Is there a gift shop ?"

[Lyn L]

Thank you Stuart 

[stuartwaters]

There you go.....


A woman goes into a pet shop and sees three parrots for sale, one for £350, one for £250 and one for a tenner. She asks why one is only a tenner and the pet shop owner says "Oh, it used to live in a brothel". "I'll take it" she says.


So, the woman gets the parrot home and it says "Oh, nice new place, get plenty of custom here I think".


Some time later, the woman's daughters get home from college and the parrot says "Oh great, new girls".


A bit later on, the woman's husband gets home and the parrot says "Oh, hi Dave, you found the new spot then"


And so the fight started.......